


Oh, Wyrm?

by Cobalt_Sun



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Corrupted Steven Universe, Corruption, Corruption theory, Depression, Gen, Heavy Angst, I know that the pink worm has shoulders and is not a worm but i want A Wyrm and nobody can stop me, I'm enjoying this, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Not everything in the tags have happened yet, Panic Attacks, Self-Destruction, Self-Worth Issues, Steven Corruption Theory, Steven Universe Future, Steven Universe Future Spoilers, Steven is gonna have a bad time, and Hohoh does it get bad, it is nothing but angst, mental health issues manifesting physically, will update tags as I go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:26:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22207096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cobalt_Sun/pseuds/Cobalt_Sun
Summary: After helping everyone with their problems for so long, Steven doesn't know how to help himself.There's something wrong with him. He refuses to acknowledge it for as long as he can. His family is worried for him and he can't stand causing them problems.Steven refuses their help, but he can't deal with this alone. So he doesn't deal.
Comments: 36
Kudos: 338





	1. Failed Avoidance

**Author's Note:**

> hoohooboy im doing this- I'll be writing as I go, and I'll update as frequently as i can. I wallow in the angst, hohoh, Good Shit.  
> It twelve thirty midnight and I Am Living.  
> I get nervous though, so I might not respond to comments (not out of rudeness.) And updates can't be rushed, and might stop, as it happens sometimes. I'm writing this for fun and will continue to do so, but I hope you enjoy it.  
> (i haven't been able to stop thinking about the su corruption theory for two McFreaking days and I am far too attached to it, I Cannot get This Attached to a theory and i already have. This cartoon is the only one that can absolutely obliterate me, i missed a Final Test two years ago because of the Lars in Space arc hiatus, i stayed up til 4 am. Absolutely destroyed me.)

Steven had very little privacy as a child, his bedroom practically an extension of their living room. But it was never something he minded; it just never made him uncomfortable, and he rarely had anything to hide. 

But ever since Cactus Steven left, ever since his ugly, horrible words spilled so unceremoniously to his family, things were… It felt like every time one of the gems looked at him, he was completely naked. If that makes sense. He hated it, he hated their anxious cursory smiles and the way they stared at him when they thought he couldn’t see. The tension in the house was so palpable that every time someone else entered the room he was in, his stomach clenched up into an iron ball before he even knew who it was that was there. Everyone was trying to pretend that everything was normal, but it couldn’t be farther from it.

And from where Steven lay on his bed, mid-afternoon sun balefully gazing through the windows, planners full of old Little Homeschool events left discarded on his desk, he couldn’t help but think,

_ Just another something I messed up. _

__ His friends, gone, his family didn’t need him,  ~~didn’t want him around~~ , his school wasn’t his anymore, even his garden… 

He glanced to his dresser and to the slightly wilted plant on top of it, and his gaze soured.

_ You’re losing your touch. Losing it.  _

He attempted to heal the plant for the third time that week by licking his thumb and… his tongue was dry as sandpaper. Steven groaned, deciding to finally get out of bed and get something to eat and drink, at least for the plant’s sake.

He lumbered down to the kitchen, mindlessly grabbing a bowl of cereal with milk. As he was eating at the counter, the door jangled, his stomach turned against his mind’s will.

“Oh, hey Ste-man. Glad to see you’re… awake.”

To Amethysts infuriatingly concerned tone, Steven grumbled, “I haven’t been sleeping this whole time.” A piece of cereal fell out of his mouth and back into the bowl.

_ Like she has any right to lecture me. _

Steven wiped his mouth with the bare skin of his arm, feeling more tired than he should.

_ Like I have any right to get angry… _

Silence, for a few minutes. The tension in Steven’s chest only pulled tighter, because he knew it was coming. He knew she would ask him to talk, and he would refuse, and  _ everything would get worse- _

“Steven… are you gonna eat that?”

Usually this question would be innocuous coming from Amethyst, the purple gem loved leftovers and loved eating. But her tone was  _ still _ concerned, and to Steven, just now noticing the sogginess of his cereal and the amount of time that had passed between his last bite and now, it felt like an attack. The tension… wouldn’t allow his throat to open. The thought of taking another bite…

“Take it,” he said abruptly, aggressively pushing himself out of his chair. He was suddenly too nauseous to think about eating. Amethyst protested even as he turned his back on her and walked away,  _ desperate to escape this _ , but once he got to the front door,

“You gotta tell us what’s wrong sometime, Steven! Please! We’re worried!”

Steven’s fists clenched, unclenched, tears burning behind his eyes. He pushed out of the door without stopping, stamping up to the greenhouse.

* * *

He had let his greenhouse go over the past week. None of his plants had died, but they weren't as lush as they were. Steven felt ashamed that he had even managed to ruin  _ this, _ through sheer  _ neglect  _ and  _ laziness. _

He had just finished watering all of his plants by the time he felt too weak to stand. The hunger, the bitter tension, the  _ anxiety- _

_ Shut up. Shut up. Pull it together.  _

No sooner than he had knelt, supporting himself against an empty ceramic pot, he was pushing himself back to his feet.

_ Stand. Stand. Stand.  _

He should probably get something to eat. He couldn't think of anything appetizing, though…

"Steven."

When he noticed Garnet standing in the corner of his greenhouse, he suddenly felt the urge to scream.

"You aren't feeling well," she said, arms crossed, leaning against a wall.  _ How long has she been there?! _

"I'm fine," he insisted on shaking legs. Garnet remained silent, watching him as he straightened his posture as high as it could go.

_ Which was somehow even  _ **_more_ ** _ infuriating than her being worried. _

“Shouldn’t you be teaching a class?” He said almost spitefully. He regretted his tone immediately.

_ Stop! Shut up! Brat! Child! She comes here for you,  _ _~~WORTHLESS BURDEN~~ ,  _ _ and you make this even  _ **_more_ ** _ difficult for her?! _

"What's wrong with Lars?"

It took Steven a moment to realize that she was referring to the pink flower. Garnet had turned her attention to it and was finagling the crooked stem. After she straightened it, she let it go, and it almost comically slumped back over.  _ An accusation. _

"It's just the… sun." Steven gestured weakly with one of his hands, beginning to make his way to the door so he could leave. And get food. And hopefully go back to sleep. He didn't want to talk to Garnet. He could feel her stare piercing through his chest-

"Steven, you haven't been doing much." It was true, he hadn't been. But that didn't mean he wanted to hear it like that. He pointedly ignored her, but changed course. Trudging to get a stint for Lars from the bin of supplies below a nearby table was a small piece of proof that he was still doing things. He might not have talked more than a sentence to anyone in a week, he might not have gone into Little Homeworld for even longer, but  _ it wasn’t that bad! It didn’t say anything about him, or the  _ **_stupid irrational feelings he couldn’t get rid of!_ **

Continuing her earlier thoughts as Steven worked on tying Lars the Flower to a wooden dowel, Garnet knelt beside him. “You’ve even let this place deteriorate. It was your one hobby, and you haven’t been doing it since Cactus Steven left.” Steven felt his abdominal muscles twitch and tighten involuntarily with each word.  _ It was true, it was all true and he hated it.  _ He instinctively grabbed his arm and dug his nails down, hard, as if the sensation would make Garnet’s statement false. 

A hand was placed firmly on his shoulder, and he looked to see Garnet with her glasses off, staring with all three eyes into his two with barely masked desperation.

“You aren’t okay, Steven.”

_ It was true, but he wouldn’t let it be- _

Muscles tensed, teeth clenched, terrible buzzing  _ anxiety _ through him.

“You need to talk about it.”

_ How dare she, how dare she, always so stoic, distant until she needs  _ **_my_ ** _ help, _

_ How dare I, how  _ **_dare I,_ ** _ so childish and fickle, so hard to deal with, worrying everyone and making them  _ **_give me help I don’t need!_ **

“It will consume you from the inside out if you don’t tell us.”

_ What does she know? She doesn’t know me. She doesn’t know what  _ **_I feel._ **

_ That  _ **_isn’t fair to her, Steven, you despicable_ ** **_IDIOT!_ **

He pulled away from her, unable to take it anymore, and suddenly found himself on the far side of the greenhouse.

“ _ Steven-! _ ” Garnet yelled, looking more  _ frustrated _ than alarmed.

He suddenly became aware of an electric power emanating from him, he looked at his hands and was disgusted to find that  _ he was pink. _

_ What is wrong with me?! Why can’t I just RELAX?! _

“Steven calm down!”  _ HE WAS TRYING TO! _

“Just leave me alone!” He shouted in frustration, hands unconsciously grappling at his hair and tugging.  _ He needed to get out of here!  _ Without another thought he dashed to the door, knocking over several potted plants, including Lars. The sounds of shattering ceramics jolted him into a shivering panic. He shrieked in fear without thinking.

Garnet was running at him now, yelling louder, “ _ STEVEN-!”  _ And now all he could do was bolt out the door, skipping the stairs, falling on his feet on the beach and not stopping for a second. He ran mindlessly, sand billowing behind him, and a frenzied inner voice screaming at him to get as far as he possibly could from  _ everything, it was too much!  _

But he couldn’t run from what was truly hurting him. Deep down, he knew this, but just,

wouldn’t let himself understand.


	2. An Encounter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't think i'd be posting again so soon, but here I am! sorry if the chapters a bit short.

He had run all the way to the forest, miles off of Beach City. It was dusk, and he was _still. Pink._

Steven grabbed his hair and tugged again, screaming through clenched teeth. _Why won’t it go away?!_ It never lasted this long before? 

Steven’s run had turned into a frustrated stomp through the woods. Still feeling out of sorts, still feeling like he needed to get away, he knew it didn’t make sense but he couldn’t stop it! _Stop it!_ _Why can’t I just be NORMAL?!_

His arm tensed and before he knew it, he had punched a tree, denting it significantly. He didn’t even bubble his fist. All of his internal fervor latched onto the shock of the punch, leaving his pounding heart in peace. _It felt amazing._

He breathed. Considered his options. And he punched the tree again. He could feel his power writhing under his skin, feeling _wrong_. He kept punching

Punching faster, he screamed as loud as he could, only thinking that _it was working._ The colossal tree groaned and bent, splinters rained on his face. With one more ominous groan, the tree buckled. Steven at least had the presence of mind to move out of the way as it toppled.

A resounding crash throughout the forest. Steven was panting, his fists were bleeding, and he was staring at the fallen tree. Its branches had been ripped off, ugly and broken, littered haphazardly around their fallen father. The leaves were still floating down, debris, destruction. Nearby trees had been hit by their fallen comrade, injured as well. A tableau of peaceful nature, ruined by him. Steven began to cry. And to add insult to injury, _he was still pink._

Immediately going to heal the tree as best as he could, Steven didn’t notice the rustling of leaves in a bush nary 10 feet away from him. But when the one responsible laughed, he froze.

“That,” the gruff voice said, “was really fun to watch.” It was Jasper, Steven turned his head to face her with a powerful scowl. The anger resurged. It had a real target this time.

Jasper chuckled, looking down at him. “And are you crying? Over _that_ thing?” She held her middle and barked laughter. “You somehow keep surprising me with how _pathetic_ you are.” And that was it, that was the final straw. Steven roared a battle cry and charged at her, tackling Jasper into the trees behind her. He had caught her off guard, and she made a grunt of pain on impact. Steven found himself smirking, almost snarling.

Jasper raised herself out of the wrecked plant matter and laughed loudly. “What could have made you so angry!” She exclaimed. “ _I’ll gladly give you a fight, Universe._ ” Malice dripped from her voice, and Steven growled and lunged again, this time kicking her into the air. But she was ready this time, and when Steven jumped up into the sunset sky to pursue her, she bashed him back towards the ground. The air was knocked out of his lungs on impact, a crater forming around him, but despite his body’s protest, he was back on his feet in seconds. Jasper landed and they charged towards each other. 

Meeting in clashing blows, they wrestled one another for as long as their strength would allow; mere seconds, but harsh ones. Steven was hit on his chest, his stomach, his arm, his face, but he still managed to wrestle Jasper to the ground. 

His entire body burned in furious power, or pain, he couldn’t tell, as he snarled down at Jasper underneath him. Jasper’s grin widened hideously, and Steven wound up a punch, aiming it at her face.

He swung.

It made a weak slapping sound, Jasper’s head was barely even moved.

His hand wasn’t pink anymore.

Chuckling darkly, Jasper slowly sat up, grabbing his throat in one of her giant hands. She raised him off the ground, standing now, and glared at him with eyes slitted in amusement. Steven struggled, kicking his legs and grappling with her hand with both of his own, but it was all futile. He screeched in frustration as he squirmed _pitifully_ in her grip.

“You really are pathetic,” was all she said before she slammed him into the ground. He yelped in pain, and she laughed at him. “So torn up, and over what? Over not having any more of other peoples’ problems to exploit?” _Why was she right?! She wasn’t right!_ **_She wasn’t!_ **

Her grip on his neck strengthened, choking him. “You’re even weaker than you were, when you were still a pudgy, feeble fleshling with barely any control of your powers.” _She couldn’t be right,_ Steven screamed in his mind, _how could he be worse than he was?! He was fine! He had improved! He had fixed_ ** _everything!_** He couldn’t stop tears pooling in his eyes. Jasper saw them and snorted, _mocking, mocking, shame!_

“It’s hilarious, watching you suffer like this, because even I can see that _you’re doing this to yourself!_ You’ve ‘helped’ all your ‘friends,’ and used them to accomplish the goals you couldn’t, and now they’ve left you to deal with yourself alone. _And you can’t even handle that!”_

Jasper roared in laughter as Steven squeaked out a painful shriek of fury with all the air he had left, but despite his anger, he _couldn’t do anything useful!_

“You’ve faced off against the rulers of the Gem Empire,” she laughed the sentence out as if it were the funniest thing she’d ever heard, “and the thing that will kill you is yourself!”

Steven froze, wide eyed. 

_No… I’m not that bad! I’m not that bad!_

Negative feelings of the past week, the past few months, surged forth in his mind, each one vying for his attention.

 _Nobody needs you! You’re only causing problems! You’re so much worse and everyone knows it!_ **_Everyone except you!_ **

His gasps for breath turned to spasms in his chest as he struggled even harder to get air, or calm down, _he didn’t know_ . Dark spots swarmed across his vision, warning of his impending _failure._

_He barely even noticed Jasper winding up a finishing blow. His mind overwhelmed him with terror of himself._

**_You are a failure._ **

An unbearably sharp pain from his gem lanced throughout his body, and he fell unconscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pay no attention to the slight inconsistency in stevens punch strength... (cough)


	3. Barely Awake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The switch between tenses is intentional, I hope it serves the intended purpose....

The hard, hard ground. With the smallest twitch, pain shoots up his spine, but he knows he _has to get up. Something is wrong._

Steven’s bleary eyes open, revealing the hunched over form of Jasper, shoulders shaking. Somehow, he knows she’s laughing.

Her head turns slightly to the side, and he catches a glint of her hideous grin. In her hand is a vaguely shining-

_It’s Amethyst._

Suddenly he is on the beach like they were when they fought her before. But Connie isn’t here now. Waves crash over his face, water flooding his lungs.

Steven tries to scream at her, _STOP,_ **_STOP,_ ** but the most he can do is gurgle weakly, _he can barely control any part of his body._ His hands scrabble for purchase against the ground but can’t catch any, too weak to get a grip ( _get a grip, get a grip, get a grip-)_ He coughs up water, it is thicker than mud, oozing down his face. 

Jasper is looking at him now, the grin splitting the sides of her face, her teeth sharp like a beast’s. She is corrupting, horns growing from her head, green spots climbing up her arm, but she’s howling with laughter.

Without a word, she brings Amethyst’s gem to her mouth.

_NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO_

All of Steven’s limbs are flailing, lighting him in fiery pain but he **_can’t get up._ ** _He can’t save her. He can’t do anything._ Another wave crashes over him, and he can’t even breathe.

The water recedes and his eyes sting with seawater but he _has to at least_ _ see. _

Jasper’s teeth make a clinking sound on the gem, then a horrible screech as she drags them across its surface. It sounds like Amethyst is screaming.

**_NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!_ **

_Steven can’t do anything. Amethyst is going to be shattered and it will be_ **_all his fault._ **

**_All his fault._ **

**_ALL HIS FAULT-_ **

Crunch.

Jasper flexes her jaw and Amethyst is in pieces. In that moment, Steven feels like he has died along with her.

The world fades into nothingness.

* * *

The first thing he registered was the aching pain in almost every part of his body. His limbs throbbed, his throat was on fire, his head felt like it was going to explode, but the worst was his stomach. It wasn’t just the hollow aching hunger there, there were waves of electric pain emanating from his gem joining in on beating him. He was surprised it hadn’t woken him up sooner.

The second thing he noticed was the dainty hand on his shoulder, shaking him gently, and the tearful voice,

“Steven? Steven, are you okay?!” It was Pearl. Steven’s eyes flew open, and immediately he saw her hovering over him. She looked as if she were about to shatter into pieces; hair a mess, bags under her eyes… Steven had hurt her, he was sure it was him, even if he barely knew where he was. 

The third thing he felt was the unbearable brightness of the sun. It was morning now. It suddenly dawned on him that he was out all night, and Pearl had found him unconscious outside.

“P-earl?” He didn’t mean for his voice to sound so croaky and pitiful, but his throat was _raw._ It hurt to talk. 

“Steven, what happened?!” Pearl’s worry struck his heart with a feeling of _uselessness_ and _despair._ Why had he done this to her? His veins pumped through him a sudden wave of _wrongness._ Things just _weren’t supposed to be like this._ _He_ ** _had to fix it._**

“Pearl, I’m fine,” he rasped. Pearl became even _more_ agitated. _No, no, no, please don’t, please..._

“No you are not! You’ve been gone since yesterday and we’ve been looking for you all night! I hear you screaming and- and I find you laying on a boulder, on the edge of the woods, bloody and unconscious!” Her tone raised throughout the sentence, the last word coming out a shriek.

 _What? Screaming?_ He thought back on last night, slowly, fuzzily, but he remembered it well. He did scream, but that was… hours ago. It didn’t make sense. He had to ask.

“I was… screaming?”

Pearl seemed concerned now, making Steven regret his question.

“Yes, just minutes ago, you screamed as if you were being killed! It scared me so much I- why, I-” She sniffled, moving to wipe Steven’s face with her thumbs- _it was wet, had he been crying?_

_Wet._

_Waves,_

_ocean,_

_**Jasper**_

_**AMETHYST!** _

Hands flew to his mouth, _he remembered, but it wasn't real, was it? Was it?!_ _Terror sunk its roots into his stomach._

"Steven, are you okay?" He was trembling, but he _couldn't do this to Pearl._ Forcing himself to at least steady himself, he croaked, "I'm okay, Pearl." The sound was almost lost within his hands. _It was nothing, it didn't happen,_ _but it felt so real and it was horrible and he was so scared\- **No, stop** -_

“Stop saying that, we both know it isn't true." Her voice was soft yet accusing, and it felt like a spear through him. But her next sentence hit him the worst.

"Who hurt you, Steven?” He felt like he had been gutted. It was such a sad question, so _grave,_ and _so, so pathetic of him._ He couldn’t bring himself to answer, he was barely able to control the shivering. A moment passed where Pearl expected him to say something, but when she realized he would not, she could only continue. 

“Oh,” she began, as if she’d forgotten something, “we need to get you back to the house right away, you need to get cleaned up, and you need rest.” Before she had even finished speaking, she scooped him off of the rock he lay on, (which explained why his spine was in agony, he guessed,) and had begun striding towards home. Steven felt childish ( ~~_burden_ ~~) being carried like this, but he couldn’t help but be grateful, because his body wasn’t quite cooperating with him yet… 

“Steven.” He startled at Pearl’s voice, drifting out of the present. “I _need_ you to answer me: who hurt you?”

Despite the fact he knew that he needed to, he couldn’t meet her eyes. The ground rushed by him with tremendous speed as Pearl traversed the edge of town. While it brought back his nausea, he was at least grateful that no one else was here to see him like this.

It was his fault he had been hurt. _His fault_ for picking a fight and not controlling his powers. _He was a_ _fool._ _He did this to himself._

His brain replayed Jasper’s words from last night.

_“And the thing that will kill you is yourself!”_

Cold fear rushed through his body. _He had done this to himself, (he didn’t mean to hurt himself,) his self destructive behavior had hurt his family. What if Jasper had killed him? He still didn’t know why she didn’t, it got fuzzy at that part- But if she had, he would have hurt his family so badly, hurt all his friends, hurt_ **_everyone!_ **

In all his thoughts, Steven didn’t notice that there wasn’t _one_ regarding value for his own life.

_How could I be so selfish?! So reckless?! With how much danger I threw myself into, I might as well be sui-_

His mind halted entirely, terrified. _He couldn’t bring himself to think of that. He couldn’t handle the implication that he was_ **_that bad._ ** _He wasn’t. He wasn’t. He wasn’t._

 _He_ **_couldn’t_ ** _be._

A touch on his neck startled him out of his thoughts, and he squeaked in fear- and, to his surprise, pain. It was so _sore._ He looked up at Pearl, and his heart dropped to see her expression of sheer _anguish._

He realized: Jasper had choked him. Evidence of his mistake was _right there on his neck._

“Please,” Pearl pleaded, voice trembling, and Steven felt like he wanted to _collapse into nothingness right then and there._ “Please tell me who did this to you.” A tear fell off her face, landed on his arm. Ran down and soaked into his dirt-caked shirt. And it was this sensation that cracked the dam.

Steven broke into ragged sobs without warning, startling Pearl so much that her pace faltered. His throat _burned_ with each miserable sound, but everything felt so horrible that he _had to let it out._ His insides hurt, his bones hurt, his _head_ hurt, he knew he was making other people hurt all the time and it _hurt so badly that he couldn’t describe it._ He was consumed with it, every second he lived was _agony. Why?!_ **_Why_ ** _was_ **_everything so bad?!_ **

Pearl was stroking his hair.

It only made him cry harder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have made Bad Choices. Math is going to destroy me tomorrow. But WOOOOOOOOOOOO MORE STEVEN ANGST Y E A A A A A A HA H H H


	4. No Real Reprieve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's been so long; school and all, and a hyperfixation shift. But im back with a moderately juicy chapter that i wouldve liked to be longer, but after a while i just decided f it and tied it off to post.  
> I would also like you all to know that, while i don't respond to them, i read every comment and they make me Big Smile. Thank you to whoever takes time to comment, and i hope i work up the courage to start responding soon! Baby steps.  
> For now, its Angst Time Part 4 of the Fanfiction where i beat steven with a brick and drain his mental health with a tap. Like maple syrup. Drink up babes its PAIN

By the time they had gotten home, Steven had quieted down. The hurt wasn't as unbearable anymore, his chest rose and fell at a mostly steady pace, aside from some shuddering. For the first time since yesterday, he felt… acceptably calm. He was coming down from it, whatever ‘it’ was. But when Pearl pushed open the door and suddenly Garnet and  **Amethyst, Amethyst-!**

It brought him back to sobbing, and the only thing he could think to do was to hide it with his hands on his face. They had all clustered around him, almost touching his arms, and he felt like he was going to be choked again, but he was also  _ so, so glad _ to see Amethyst was  _ okay. _

He imagined how pathetic this must have looked to the Crystal Gems; he was bawling like a baby, being held like one, too, and caked with dirt and dried blood... But he couldn’t stop crying; if anything, the thought of how they saw him just messed with his breathing even  _ more. _ Garnet and Amethyst hadn’t even spoken a word. He must look disgusting. 

All of them were so  _ worried  _ for him, ( _ for nothing, for nothing.) _

_ He wished they didn’t have to feel like that. Why did he make them feel like that? He was just  _ _ mean _ _ to them, sometimes, wasn’t he? _

He could hear Pearl sigh, “I’ll take him to his room. He needs rest, but he probably needs to eat first… Steven?” Pearl gently jostled him. “Steven, I’m going to bring you to the bathroom, I need you to clean yourself up. Can you do that?” 

The question was another prickling needle of shame. “Yeah,” he mumbled quietly, hating the way his voice cracked. Then, as soon as he wrested himself out of Pearl’s hold, he decided to keep his eyes glued on the wooden floorboards.  _ Don’t look at them,  _ he thought as he trudged through their shadows, over to the bathroom,  _ don’t see. Don’t see how they think of you like this, I don’t want them to see me like this, _ and he knew if he caught a glimpse of their expressions, he  _ really  _ wouldn’t be able to stop crying.

The soft click of the bathroom door marked the beginning of silence. He stood still for a few minutes, just breathing. Breathing and taking stock of every ache and pain. 

Steven was loathe to admit that he didn’t feel like he could stand long enough to take a proper shower. Well, there wasn’t any harm in taking a bath, so he tried not to let it bother him. And he failed.  _ Too weak to stand. Too weak to walk.  _ Being weak, nostalgic as it was, was one of the worst feelings for him now. It bothered him in a different way than it did before. Now, he was  _ supposed to be strong.  _ He was  **_expected_ ** _ to be strong.  _ If he wasn’t, he was letting everyone down. They depended on him… 

_ Don't lie to yourself, they don't even need you anymore. _

He let the muck come off in the bath as he stared into nothingness. Jasper was speaking again.  _ “Weaker than you were…”  _

His eyes unfocused further, mind, his expression remaining the same.  _ Was he really? _

_ He felt even weaker than he did three years ago… He can make his own choices, hold his own in a fight, he had helped so many people and gems…  _

_ But now no one needed his help anymore. _

_ Now what was he? _

_ A poorly made tool is better than an obsolete one with no purpose at all. _

_ No purpose at all. _

Tears dribbled into the murky bathwater. He could at least cry in peace now, but it didn’t  _ feel _ like anything! It didn’t feel cathartic like it should have. Fighting didn’t relieve him of his anger like it should have. Nothing was doing what he thought it should. The world had changed, and he had not; it was his fault. He had fallen out of line with reality. He no longer fit into his own life. He was wrong, and every aspect of life was sure to remind him.

_ Everything _ felt wrong to him. 

_ So what she said made sense. _

_ Certainly, _ he thought offhandedly,  _ that makes him worse. Worse than he was when he was younger and malleable. Now he was just broken. _

Once his sluggish mind fully processed the thought… 

Eyes widened, his body raised up from where he was slouched in the lukewarm water. 

_ No, I’m not… _

His brain no longer was placated by his constant denial. It had fallen into a pit, he didn’t have the strength to pull his self-worth back up.

_ Not… _

Weak.

Worse.

Wrong.

He was all of those things. It was plain as day, and he had known it for a while.

He was just  _ inferior. _

Suddenly, a white hot pain jolted from his gem. He screeched at the sudden pain, flailing, splashing water everywhere. But it died off quickly, from an inferno to a flicker. Like a jab from a taser.

He held his burning stomach, looking at his gem. It was pulsating light in rhythm with the waves of pain,  _ searing, too hot. Hot hot hot hot hot hot hot! _

A knock on the door. “Steeeeeven? Are you okay?”  _ Amethyst, cracking into pieces, and it was his fault! (He was losing it! No, no!) _

**_NO!_ **

_ DON’T DO THAT TO THEM!  _

He forced himself to calm down- well, ‘calm’ was an overstatement. He wasn’t about to vomit, pass out, or scream, and that was something.

He couldn’t be a problem. He might have been worse than he was, but he wasn’t  **bad.** Helping people was all that he was; he didn’t want to be anything else. He couldn’t be. ( But he was .)

“Steeveen! Come on, dude! Say something!”

He took a steadying breath,  _ just control your voice, your voice, don’t cry, don't whine, speak, speak,  _ **_speak._ **

“I’m okay, Amethyst,” he half-shouted.

A moment passed.

“Alright, just checking in.”

_ Phew. _

Lucky.

Once he had finished washing and gotten out of the bath, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

His hair was still a mess, and he had a few nasty scabs and bruises. The giant, appalling purple one around his neck was the worst by far, but his back hurt the most. His weird gem-pain had tapered into a minor ache, nothing he couldn’t handle. Of course, now that he had gotten a little drink, he used his spit and his hand to heal his injuries.

Or, he tried to.

He paused.

_ It wasn’t… working… _

Licking his thumb again, he thought that… maybe it was just a… fluke?

_ Something is wrong. _

Even before he touched his thumb to the laceration on his chest, he knew that he was lying to himself.

_ His powers…  _

It took every ounce of willpower in his body not to scream.

* * *

After everything, it was a miracle he was able to make it up the stairs. Garnet offered to help him, but he staunchly refused. He couldn’t let this keep going, he couldn’t let people keep doing things for him. He didn’t want to trouble them.

But despite his protests, Pearl still made him soup. When she had asked him, “when’s the last time you ate?” and he couldn’t give her a straight answer, she had  _ aggressively  _ insisted. He ate it slowly, sip by sip, but it was good. His body just… didn’t want him to eat. Not that he wasn’t hungry; the first bite had reminded him that he was starving. But nausea and fatigue don’t mix well, and the only thing he could really do was sleep.

All in all, the rest of that day was a welcome break from everything. He was alone. Even if hearing the gems whisper about him in worry downstairs made his stomach want to reject everything he just ate, the general silence was a blessing. He could just  _ be _ for a while.

Of course it only lasted half a day. By the time evening fell, Garnet was knocking on his door. “Steven,” she said in a voice too even to be natural, “could you come down and eat dinner with us?” 

He wanted to say no. He really did. But he found himself saying yes anyway.

“Good,” he heard her say, followed by footsteps down the stairs.

…

_ Well. I have to get up now. _

He didn’t move. Not for another 10 minutes, when Garnet came knocking again.

He slowly eased himself out of his bed, wincing slightly at the ache he felt gnawing at him. But it wasn't that bad; not compared with the tightness in his chest.

_ I have to go downstairs now. _

He didn't move. Not for another 5 minutes, when Garnet came and opened his door. 

"Steven, are you coming?" She asked. Steven was suddenly  _ angry  _ at her. ( _ why? No!) _

_ She can't come in my room. I didn't say she could. _

But despite this, he addressed her civilly. With effort.

"I am coming down soon, Garnet." Every word was choppy and fierce, and it affected Garnet enough to make her change her expression. A surprised, worried frown played across her face.

"Alright." Simple. Terse. And she left.

Steven breathed. Put his hands on his face.

"Stupid," he growled through gritted teeth. "Shut up!" Fingers unconsciously pulled at his hair. "Shouldn't be  _ angry!" _

Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw his hands.  **_Bright pink._ **

He gasped and brought his hands in front of his face.

But they were normal. Completely.

Suddenly, Steven was really,  _ really tired. _

_ You’re losing it. You’re actually, really losing it. What is  _ **_wrong_ ** _ with you?! What is  _ **_wrong_ ** _ with me?! _

But he still had to go downstairs. He had to go now. 

He had to make them believe he was okay.

Because if he didn’t, he would become a problem. A problem like all those he had fought so hard to solve. A problem like his emotionally immature  _ mother. _

He put all his focus on maintaining composure past his panic and dire fatigue, and slowly, miserably, he started down the stairs.


End file.
